So, today, would have been my due date.

So, today, would have been my due date. 

Actually, with the way my kids come, Ty, two weeks early and Gabriella, one week early our 3rd child could have easily been in our home already. 

However, we won't be welcoming a new baby this year. 

This wasn't something I wanted to ever write about. In fact, only a handful of people outside of our family even know. Losing our child was one of the hardest things I have ever had to experience and for one reason or another, I feel compelled to share how I feel. I'm not writing this for sympathy but this experience strengthened my faith and relationship with my Father in Heaven. And because of that, I am forever grateful. 

June 6th, 2012

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I never felt like I did with Ty or Gabriella. With Ty, I craved hamburgers and soda (something I never crave) and with Gabriella, I was sick as a dog. I lost weight because I couldn't eat and was constantly throwing up. My period was a day late. Then another day passed. And another. 

 I took a pregnancy test and lo and behold, the positive sign popped up almost immediately.

I was confused. In COMPLETE disbelief. Gabriella had just turned one a few months before and I was looking forward to some alone time with her when Ty went to school. 

We would need another car. 

We would need to figure out room arrangements.

 I would have two in diapers. 

Gabriella just started sleeping through the night.

I drove to my mom's house and cried. 

It wasn't in our plan. 

She reminded me that it might not be our plan but it was a beautiful little child coming into our family. 

I told Tyler later that night and he was ecstatic. He wasn't worried about the car, money or sleep. He was so supportive and just kept saying how everything would work out. Gosh, I love that man. 

But, I still knew something wasn't right. Ty was a complete surprise. But I loved him. I loved him the second I found out I was pregnant. I loved him even when it felt like nobody else in the world was happy for us. I couldn't understand why I wasn't happy. We had gone through a surprise before and having him was the best thing that ever happened to us. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

We told our immediate families and close friends within the new few days. Tyler couldn't bare to keep it in any longer. His excitement was infectious. It was exactly what I needed. 

Two weeks later, I started spotting. Very light pink blood. It was happening every other day. I called our doctor who wasn't the least bit concerned since it wasn't a large amount of blood. I had never spotted with my other pregnancies. Our family members kept reassuring us that nothing was wrong. 

But I knew. 

I never felt like I did with Ty and Gabriella. The spotting stopped and we were scheduled for our first ultrasound. There was a small sac and he said because I wasn't far along the heartbeat was probably not able to be heard. I had blood work done and scheduled our next appointment. My hCG level was high which didn't concern my doctor but then the bleeding started again. I was told to get my blood drawn on Friday and then again on Monday to see if my hCG level was increasing which would prove I was still pregnant. 

I had my blood drawn on Friday and the bleeding stopped throughout the weekend. I was going through a wave of emotions. Tyler didn't know how to help me. Families members kept reassuring me I wasn't miscarrying. 

The light spotting began again that morning. I prayed. Probably harder than I had ever prayed in my entire life. I prayed that if I was going to miscarry to please just have me miscarry soon. I couldn't handle the ups and down of feeling elated and then defeated when I found more blood. I felt like I was getting a false sense of hope.  I prayed for comfort so I wouldn't feel alone. With each passing day, my feelings were changing. I loved this baby inside of me. I knew that it was going to break me if I was going to miscarry later.

Two hours later, I started cramping. 

And then the blood started. 
I knew my prayer was heard. 

I told my doctor I no longer needed to get my blood drawn today because it was happening. He said I most likely would not need a D & C because my body was naturally expelling the baby.  I called Tyler and he wanted to rush home but all I wanted to do was be alone.

I stayed in my bathroom and cried on the floor waiting for everything to happen. 

I blamed myself for feeling the way I did about the pregnancy. 

I blamed myself for being more worried about sleep, money and cars. 

And then, the most peaceful and calming feeling came over me. I felt so close to my Heavenly Father. I knew that I wasn't alone and my faith was strengthened. There has not been a day that goes by that I don't think about what could have been. I wonder if we were having a boy or girl. If it would have been crazy and energetic like Gabriella or calm and reserved like Ty. Would they sleep through the night like their big bro or want to play all night like their big sis? I still blame myself for how negative I was. However, I also know that we have been blessed with two beautiful children here on this earth and one in Heaven. I am so grateful for Ty and Gabriella. They teach me so much and bring so much happiness to my life. 

The past week I've felt a little melancholy knowing that my due date was rapidly approaching. But I am so grateful for the strength and love I have for my Father in Heaven so I don't ever have to feel alone. 

I saw this poem on Facebook and it completely touched me. 
Good Bye, Baby

Blood starts dripping out of me

Weeks away when blood should be.

Day one, day two…three and four

Blood still trickles like before.

Faster now and fever high

Cramping, clotting, worries rise.

Many say the choice is mine

To keep and save or leave behind.

But I can’t choose to make you stay.

You’ve left me now and gone away,

Without my blessing or my say.

Tears mark this sad and lonely day

How could I hurt for one so small

If you’re in fact no one at all?

Pin tip big and still a part

Tiny yet You’ve pricked my heart.

I’ll never feel you turn or kick,

Never rock you when you’re sick.

Never know you boy or girl

Or if your hairs are straight or curl.

But one strong truth now slows my pace

Because you’re in a joyous place.

You bypassed all the hurt and pain

This world and worry offers plain.

You sit with Thee among the clouds

And sing His praise as joy abounds.

You know not sting nor prick nor ill

You’re only glad and sit in still…

Of He who holds you in his arms

Safe and sound no hate or harm

I wish I knew you on this earth

Wished I gave you life and birth

I wish I saw you grow and wed

Pray with you beside your bed

Clean your cuts and wipe your tears

Hold you tight and fight your fears

But it sadly was not mean to be

As sadly now I finally see.

One day when hair is thin and gray

And from this life I fly away…

Toward forever in the sky

Leaving those on earth behind,

I’ll see you in the Land of Light

I’ll race to you and hold you tight.

We’ll sit and talk and cry and laugh

You’ll listen well for my behalf,

As I tell you how I missed and sought

to know and love you as I ought.

But we’ll have endless days ahead

To sit and walk, alive not dead.

But sweetest one, until that day

I’ll think of you and often pray.

Always you’ll my baby be

But I entrust you all to Thee.

A poem written to our baby we hadn’t planned for nor known